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July 2011

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Jul. 12th, 2011

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Babysitting your wet, high proof, fucking mess. AKA venting after a srs effort to reason w an alko


unedited, perhaps a slight repetitive, but completely fucking necessary disgusted and entirely futile cognitive chatter that keeps me way too aware, way too awake, and have been drug entirely too far from the cornerstone of godwill, faith and cameraderie that tends to accompany mankind.

ned gloaming amok with drunken lunatic cum festival bukkake samurai cumzullerfuckshit sapsui bung ha chur FUUUUUUUUUUCK. fuckfestival shitsandwich. fucking globular, mucous ridden anal seepage. fucking flounder, fucking dead bodies. FUCKING EMOTIONAL CARNAGE. rahhhh. Translation: watching an alcoholic come un-glued in 12 hours due to shockhorror. AMAZEEEEEEE times. i never EVQAAAAAAAAAAAAAA want to fall asleep to tha sound o fatties shaggin again. rollsssssssssssss. instead o evry day im hustlin its every day im jugglin fucken fat alcoholic unwashed rancid yeasty gore desperation showcase fucking freedom from blame fucking self denial self deluded self sabatoging massacre of a convoluted and defeated human spirit.
cum all over my face muppet drongo sackshit anal-lubed fucking loose and fisted asshole of the universe
I (((WIIIIIIISH))))))) ppl would get that they have no more or no less life force or spirit or presence as any1 else.... but its much easier to be the deer in my fucking headlights, not listen ta me when i say oi cunt U R KILLIN URSELF have a fucking SHRED o dignity, and at least recognise your pathetic yet still aware and cognizant sense of respect and pull your fucking shit together. fucking how many people have to say ur beautiful b4 u actually become immune to the self-judgements and the self-loathing (really which is an excuse for passivity both in responsibilty and in action) and just fucking lose ourselves to the abysss. lets piss that shit all away.
it LITERALLY turns my gut when i think about individuals , especially women who have reduced themselves to someone elses perception of themselves (i suppose also those who the media have brainwashed into thinking that men find a anorexic pre pubescent body to be attractive... ughghghgh wtffff u are the SACRED FEMININE an tbh u make me wanna smash u in the fukkken face when u r too much of a stupid, cowardly fucken PUSSY to acknowledge the importance and GIFT of the fact that u are alive NOW when better humans than u i have personally seen die in front of me.

fucking cultural theocratically disposed externalisation of judgement. fucking people in NEED of a god. or a father figure. or cunts who are to scared to be alone and embrace the abyss but fucken back away from the edge and hold on to their FAKE objects of material permanence, perpetuating the delusion that somehow we can resist the cycle of samsara. clutch a grasp in to the world that is dust. find meaning. have some FUCKING BALLS and question the nature of everything. learn whats been taught to you as opposed to what you KNOW in your being to be the truth, even if you dont understand it; have the fucking humanity ta have a fucken shread of fucken old fashioned decency about you. have some FUCKING dignity for FUCKS SAKE you ARE NOT NOR EVER WILL BE SOMETHING OF EXCHANGE VALUE. as if so many mangoes or barrels of oil could physically hold candle to what we call love.


im sorry this OBVS aint directed @u, u know what ive been fucking supervising all night.

the filthiness and disgrace inherant in lack of respect for 1self has been exceptionally demonstrative this eve. I **did** yell @ her HARDEN THE FUCK UP and also, SHIT OR GET OFF THE FUCKEN POT GET THA FUCK OUT OF LIMBO U COWARD

happiness and an entirely un-necessary and tbh exorbitant amount of bourbon be fucken damned. i am a black hole there is only darkness and despair i have no control and i am a fucking VICTIM PITY ME. wet mass of septic fucking anal blockage. fuck my fucking are u serious bitch u r gonnA KEEP CRYING IT IS 7AM

pathetic fuckin bitch unable to see that in this life u get treated with how pretty much the same amount of respect that u show u give yourself, constipated fucking ignorant deaf ass bitch can u not see that as u reveal yourself to other people that their perception holds zeeeeeeroooo baring on your self worth and value as a fucking human and not a fucking cumbucket ridden of syphlittic trucker precum cos u kno they would go limp in the end, fuuukin rapist of a bitch stop kidding yourself. grow the FUUUUCKKKK UPPP and OWN YOUR BULLSHIT & stop blaming others for your fucking BAGGAGE. or do you rrrrrrrrrrrrrrreaslly want me to tell u how many white girls with daddy issues ive known in my life.

fucking scared, pacifistic, laissez faire towards life fucking opportunist vultures feeding off of others goodwill and genuine intent as opposed to guile. fucking bland, dumbed down, fucking dissoluted vapid bitch. your alive. and as long as u continue to fucking breathe and have your heart beat... that is something to be fucking greatful for. its only a ride but u only get 1 ticket.m

fuking inherant cowardice in alcoholic self-loathing/ giving in. where the fuck is your HUMAN where the fuck is your fight ??? are you the fucking walking dead? are the post-postmodern japanese zombie films actually on to a postmodern rejection/denial/pluralisation of responsibility? does the fact that there is no meta-narrative excuse u to give your life over to drivel? are you that fucking simplistic and entirely ignorant of the ability to question things and to think for yourself on your own terms? or did you realise then you would actually have to fucking feel the shit the rest of us do, that you have been sublimating with drug and drink and sex and superficial preoccupations of the mind and accepting the version of yourself that has been SOLD to you? to be wholly incapable to think for oneself? to be fucking victim as the sailboat in the winds to the judgements and moods of the people around you.

have you NOOOOOO fucking strength bitch>? are you really gonna cry again? how many times is enough? how many men have to tell you you're beautiful until you stop second-guessing and start OWNING and KNOWING that you're powerful, WOMAN, and capable of giving life. cos tbh take it from me n all u kno of my past. it took FUCKING THOUSANDS OF MEN TO TELL ME I WAS BEAUTIFUL until i stopped doubting their mental fitnesses and realised that oi im the fucking shit as im a good person a true friend and someone capable of entirely comprehending empathy... i dont need to judge SHIIIIT. perhaps what the hell is wrong with you to need that kind of reassurance? where the hell does the built in insecurity and percieved imperfections of self spawn from the boil and fester entirely into a fucking clusterfuck of shit or a meltdown of ones conditions of self worth or what freudians reckon the superego is.

it SHITS ME OFFFFFFFF to no end when people arent honest w themselves. every horrific moment of my darkness at the bottom of my personal rabbit hole that i laid claim to with ineffective and self-destructive methods of psychological sublimation i never fucking lied to anyone and said oi this is ur problem. i never fucken thought that it was anyone elses fault but my own that i had issues. for fucksake are ya gonna fucking lay down and let your love and your heart and your humanity and your hygge get gangraped by a bunch of money hungry vultures and other fucking victims acting out their own unheard soliloquies of tragicomedy? wtf does it take. i dont know how else to be other than straight up. it befuddles me when ppl cloak their intent or their motives, as intent really is a *felt* and not percieved notion - hindbrain instinct styles. i dunno, i dont reckon that i or several people that i know and respect are such fucking pathetic abstractions of the paganpoetry within our nuances. to fucking seriously have the freedom from conscience, i guess, to suppose that your actions are isolated and individualistic and have no traceable impact on anything of significance or worth. to have the fucking lack of an athiests STRICT and humbling sense of a raison d'etre and concurrent awareness of the smallness of your person and your influence and your hairless fucking monkey turned stargazing arrogant believer of lies and notions of evolution equating progress as opposed to change, trusters of the grandiose farcical fucking idea that there even COULD be a meta-narrative big picture or grand scheme, and that the intent of said tale is GOOD....... fuck i actually honestly envy that. i wish i could fucking tune out and PTSD-savagerape my fucking soul and corpulence and the probably ridiculous self-importance ive just ranted about necessitating the virtues of a chatoic-good character in the seven different fucking ways a plot can end...

fucken bitch. if i have to hear that u cant accept death one more FUCKING time i am going to fucking FACKEFUCK YOU WITH A FUCKING ICEPICK. i am going to SAVAGE everything you hold sacred. I am gonna pornagraph your childhood.

on the piss afloat down the fucken disgusting river of self-inflicted and avoidable and RIDICULOUSLY IRRESPONSIBLE I MIGHT HAVE HIV I DUNNO IVE NEVER BEEN TESTED, LISA fucking BLISS of ignorance. FUCK YOU. from the bottom of my icy cold, jaded, yet un fucking conquerable heart.

go fucken k.o. fucken pull the plug. fucken shit or get off the pot. change or drown. live or fucken die. fuck off and please, no apologies flowers speeches or suicide fucking notes. straight up slut, can i pawn your stereo and PS3 when u FINALLY knock off? cos i really dont want your fucking photographs, letters, or in fact anything that reminds me of your voice other than hearing it fade into the fuckin din as you take it up the arse in the final display of spiritual and dignified death of the self that would actually be fucking pleasureable if it wasnt for your fucking twisted ass screams in my fucking twilight. shut the fuck up get on with it off yourself and die and stop wasting my fucking precious oxygen. shove the fuck off. fucking disrespectful slovenly exhibit of fucking DISGRACE that you are pick your fucking pathetic wet mess of a fucking excuse for a self up and harden the FUCK up. you should be aware the only ones that make it now are the hard-lined faces of the working poor/proletariat. what the fuck excuses you and makes you above that?

& DONT BUY THE HYPE YOU FUCKING COW. you are a human not a fucking BOVINE. you arent splay fucking eyed and docile and happy to munch on grass. you're a fucking human, and the burning exists in you as it does it me no more no less. so stop fucking disrespecting the value i place on the sanctity of a unique voice and its power over the petty typical fucking selvfolegig (yea im swearing in danish now lol full fledged unedited rant now) game u play to decrease the importance and therefore risk of rejection in your affections. have you no truth? is there really something like a catatonic state of the self that is still effective of numb and circular perpetuation of its own deluded shit? bro there are fucking people dying in your hometown TO FUCKING DAY. there are homeless kids. there are fucking victims of human trafficking, sex-slaves in the so called land of the free -- the door next to u is just as likely to be a horrorshow of fucking shockterrorblankness as the 9 year old kid with a bazooka and an m16. this is your personal holy war against the fear and strength it takes to dare to be all that may become you in life...

The nurturing and pathological relishing of the difficulties/lack of virtue or of a requisite standard in the expression of sympathy, empathy, love or lets say potential for something outside of supply and demand cultural depersonalisation and continual brokeback ass raping of any1 that isnt supporttive of status quo and doesnt feel whole and good and pleased in the numb fucking dumb fucking full of cum fucking advertising fucking orwellian fucking current disgrace of our human potential and fatwah on gratitide and the extent of TAKING IT AND BEING OK WITH GETTIN THE RAPED END OF THE DEAL, the honest fucking genuine complacency it would take to excuse myself from my own expectations and subsequent self-worth that i bear. the fucken luxury to not give a FUUUUUCK. to use and use and abuse and use, violate, be violated... til everything good and pure and whole is fucking pillaged.
 
(then again i guess what can anyone hope for in this wasteland of virtuosity and self-serving pluralisation of all things and therefore constructs postmodern?) to never take something on on your own terms - to never create art for arts sake and for that matter never to live for lifes sake, keen to die for a cause but never strong enough to live for one.

WHAT THE FUCK, SERIOUSLY, happened to the fuckin notion of cojones? Of valor?  Where the fuck are the echoes of our world war 2 grandmothers -- going to work in the factories living off rations not knowing if their partner was alive or dead from day to day -- where the fuck did that strength go and when did it get replaced by the de-sexed chic of frailty instead of the glorification of fertility, health or strength? and is this really the death of nurture over nature and the admitted dominance of the homogenous, myriad phenotypic depictions of the shell of  personhood banally victorious over our shared genotype or meta-cognition even, as members of something other than our own realm of self serving fucking LIES & fodder to keep us docile in a fake as hope for sense of fucking security?


fuck that shit. these are desperate times. i am gonna fucking take drastic measures in the accountability department. this is no fucking delusion of self-importance that it is actually my role to take someone out or to take yourself out. go until you have nothing left. what th fuck else is life for. fucksake.

oves.

bullshit called on a bullshiter by the fucking damned bullshit ARTIST.

Apr. 11th, 2011

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(no subject)

Oct. 16th, 2010

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richard's conditioning seems to be progressing nicely

"i wouldn't want to go to a strip club anyways

not unless you told me that i wanted to"

Aug. 18th, 2010

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one more


P8172896, originally uploaded by Fiat Flux.

windmills remind me of whirligigs my grandma used to put in her garden to keep away birds

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Nebraska Panhandle


P8172913, originally uploaded by Fiat Flux.

My favourite photo from the mini trip I just got back from. I'll throw some more up later.

Aug. 6th, 2010

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spontaneous prose

| | |
| | |

night blankets the thought-thicket
racing river rapids
weave
serpentine lies of calm

the viewfinder can’t locate the faces:
alive behind glass,
sodium lamps bake our diorama
our clay melted suggestions of form
after image, bright lights
Tags:

Jul. 29th, 2010

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eh sorry about that last post

i'm considering deleting it.

here is something full of awesome to make up for it.


Happy Up Here from Röyksopp on Vimeo.

Jul. 9th, 2010

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holy shit son

this is the most horrible thing i have ever fucking heard
it has 1.3 million views? WTFFF. Crunkcore? I'm going to slit my fucking throat, suck a tailpipe, shoot myself in the face, or maybe just inhale keyboard duster for the foreseeable future...

Nah.

Ill just make u guys share my pain.

Jun. 20th, 2010

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so im not a huge fan of cats...

but this is HILARIOUS

Tags:

Jun. 19th, 2010

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Options

So I am very seriously entertaining the possibility of applying to the Culinary (Culinary Arts Institute of America) in Hyde Park, NY. Food is one of my biggest passions and in today's economy, being a chef is a pretty secure job that requires a MAXIMUM of 4 yrs - but you can get an Associates Degree and then do externships in either pastry or culinary as well if you don't want to be in a classroom for 2 extra years. My other options are completing my PsyD (about 6 years all up), getting an RN (2 yr waitlist in my area, 4 yr minimum course, 6 yrs all up) or doing some kind of 2 yr training course to be a paralegal or medical assistant. By far the best pay for the least amount of time would be to attend the culinary (or some school like it, not some crap 18 week program where u call yourself a chef afterwords, I have too much respect for food to do that). Plus, I like the idea of working in something akin to a pirate ship's boiler room.

I'm going to have to talk to MikeyChef (a CIA graduate, executive chef of a place I used to work @ in NY) and ask him for advice on what to do. Apparently you need to have 6 months experience in the BOH within the last year by the time that you apply, and it can't be for a crappy chain restaurant it has to be at one where you actually have to learn to cook and know what you are doing. (Good luck finding that in Fort Collins!) Looks like I'm going to have to start begging for a glassie role at one of the independent restaurants in Boulder, and move my way slowly into the BOH. We shall see. But this is something I am actually excited about.

Hey, it distracts me from falling into the depressive spiral. I bought some 5-HTP today as well, and am going back on that. I will do ANYTHING (even crack) if it keeps me off my psych meds. I'm actually being serious. I would rather go through meth withdrawals than deal with SSRI, antipsychotic, mood stabilizer, and benzodiazepine withdrawals (ALL at the same time). Kill Kill Kill.

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